The Seinfeld saga is coming to an end

I go home tomorrow. No more playing bingo with the old folks for a while, though I finally won $25 yesterday, which was very exciting. I will also have to adjust to eating dinner later than 4:30 or 5:00 p.m. again, but that should be easy. Finally, I'll have to get back into watching sports rather than the cooking channel, but I like watching both. I will be able to watch more movies at home.

I have enjoyed this visit with my Mom, and she seems to be doing great. She really looks better than she has in a long time. Her eyesight is getting worse though, and that is very frustrating and scary for her. I really feel for her, but there isn't anything to be done about it. Of course I always feel a bit guilty about leaving her, but guilt seems to be a big part of families, at least for me. I just can't seem to get away from that catholic guilt thing.

I am very excited about seeing Mr. Edd and the King again! I miss them both a lot. They should be getting home a few hours after I do. I know it has just been a week, but it seems like forever! I did get my holiday newsletter finished, so I can get them printed out and in the mail by January 2, 2010. Did I say 2010? WOW.

I'm not looking forward to going back to work, but I'm not dreading it either. Well, actually, to some degree I am looking forward to it (maybe the aliens have done some experiments on me after all). This semester will go by fast, and I am determined to talk to my principal about retiring and coming back part-time next year. We'll see . . .

"What's time to a duck?"

I'm in Florida, visiting my mommy for the holidays. It's kind of like being in a Seinfeld episode--one of those where he's in Florida visiting his parents. They always had to go to dinner at 5:00 p.m. Well, tonight we had to leave to go to dinner at 3:45 so she wouldn't be late getting home to go to bingo at 5:30. Of course, the place we went for dinner was only about ten minutes away, and at that time of day not exactly crowded. But, you never know. So, there we were, before 4:00 p.m.; done eating by 4:30 p.m.; and back home by 5:00 p.m. Now she is off to bingo because she sells the bingo cards, and I have strict orders to be there by 6:30 because they start playing at 7:00 p.m.! I'm thinking maybe this retired Floridian way of dealing with time will help me with my New Year's resolution, which is to make more of an effort to not be late. Being late is a habit I picked up after moving to Austin. Actually it doesn't really feel to me like I'm being late in Austin because at least half the people I know are always late. So when I arrive somewhere ten to fifteen minutes after the arranged time, I feel like I'm actually on-time. But, I recently discovered that this little habit is actually very annoying to Mr. Edd, so I have decided to get into the zen of being early. We'll see how that fits in 2010.

Investing

A friend of mine gave me the book, Investing for Dummies, by Eric Tyson. At breakfast a few weeks ago I had mentioned how I did not have a clue how to go about it, so he gave me the book. What a great gift. I'm still reading the first chapter, but I am learning and I am enjoying it. Of course one thing I am learning is that I have absolutely no money to invest, but maybe it will give me incentive to quit spending what I have long enough to save some. I also have to hope I can keep the focus--not something I am particularly adept at doing. But, wouldn't it be cool if I could become competent in using investments to supplement my retirement income? I really don't want to feel like I can't spend any money on "extras" when I am retired. I don't think that would be worth it. And while I have been whittling away at my "wants and needs" the last few years, I am far from being spartan.

Bad hair life

I was talking to my nephew today and asked him if he had any blogs. He said that he has had several in the past, but the problem with blogs is that you have to keep writing in them. I know that is true because my friend Annie already pointed out to me that I was supposed to write EVERY day in mine. But that expectation doesn't take into account the bad hair days, and I have lots of bad hair days. In fact, I don't really think of it in terms of days anymore. I just figure I'm having a bad hair life, which has made me wonder recently, just exactly what did I do in my last life that would have had such a negative affect on my current hair situation? And what life lesson am I supposed to be learning from all this bad hair anyway? I suppose it's probably not really about the hair. It's probably something more like, "don't sweat the small stuff." The problem I have with that is figuring out what IS the small stuff? That seems to vary with my momentary existential view of life. Sometimes everything is small, and at other times nothing is small, while at other times I seem to be able to get a true perspective on big and small. For the most part, however, it seems like the only thing I am certain about is that there is very little about which I am certain. The Rolling Stones--I've always (well since they came on the scene when I was about fourteen) been certain that they are my favorite rock 'n roll group. To me they represent the essence of rock 'n roll, and that is important. Maybe it all goes back to Tom Robbins' discussion of style in Another Roadside Attraction, where Amanda says, "the most important thing in life is style . . . for if man defines himself by doing, then style is doubly definitive because style describes the doing." That quote, that idea, has been pretty constant in my life since I first read it back in 1972. I'm wondering though, if I have put my style on hold, or lost sight of it, or maybe never actually found it, developed it, embraced it? What does it say about me if it just evolves too quickly for me to grasp it?

Need less

So, the first thing I did when I got up this morning was turn on my computer and go to the retirement calculator to estimate my annuity. I hadn't done that in at least a month! What was I thinking? That my pay had suddenly increased overnight? It didn't. Then we had our usual Sunday breakfast with friends and one of them is seriously thinking of retiring this year. OK, so maybe it's not a bad idea. Of course he has lots of money in silver, which keeps going up in value, and he is not as needy as I am. I need to learn not to need so much. I am getting better, but maybe that is what I should concentrate on, rather than my annuity.

King of the Road

To all my wonderful readers out there, sorry I've been absent for a while. First it was driving to Arizona and back, which is much too long a trip in one shot these days, especially at night when it is so dark and the road is mesmerizing. In my youth, in the summer, with the windows down it was truly enchanting driving through New Mexico in the middle of the night. But now that I am older, and it was colder and the windows were up, it felt more like we were running from alien beings. Elvis was the King of the road though. A King on doggie downers, but a King. And he finds Arizona a little strange--wondering just exactly where, without any grass in sight, he's supposed to relieve himself. But in the end, the road came through for him. He's looking forward to his return trip with Mr. Ed at Christmas!

It was a good trip, but when we got back I had to rest up for my big day of dental surgery. I don't remember the actual surgery, or much of that day. My mouth doesn't really hurt, but I can't believe how swollen my jaw is. It's been three days, and I still look like Dudley Do-Right! I'll probably scare everyone at work on Monday.

I know you have said I don't need to tie this in each time, but retirement remains a constant dilemma for me. . .

I Never Did Like Hash!

I had lunch with my beautiful friends, Bella and Renee the other day. Bella commented that I hadn't written on my blog for a few days. She said she checks it everyday, which was encouraging. She also told me that it didn't always have to be tied to the retiring thing; that my friends would be happy to get my general stream-of-consciousness. I've been thinking about that quite a bit since, and one of my thoughts has been that maybe I need to start worrying more about my friends! But, mostly I've been debating the whole thing in my mind. Should I keep it entirely about retiring? On the one hand, going rogue on it would be very freeing, easier, and maybe more real. On the other hand, part of why I wanted to do this blog was to get some focus and discipline to my writing. I definitely have fallen down in the discipline area, and while I still think about and talk about retirement every day, do you really want to hear me hash it over and over? For now, the little six-person (that's all I could fit) jury inside my brain is still hashing it out.

The Underwear Connection

I must confess that tonight when I was walking Elvis I had the thought that maybe I should work another year after this. The economy is soooooo scary right now. Later I was driving in my car and there was a segment on NPR about how improvement in the economy could be predicted based on the sales of men's underwear, and that since sales are going up, the economy must be improving. I guess I'll just keep an eye on men's underwear from now on so I'll know when it is a good time to retire. I wonder if teen-aged boys'underwear counts. I see lots of that at school everyday!

Shattered dreams

I just read that my last post was on November 1! I must have been out of the blogosphere . . . While I was out there I was awakened on night last week by an idea that suddenly (or so it seemed) flew into my head--"I should retire in December, instead of waiting until June." I decided that I should go into work and ask the Principal if he would hire me back full-time in January if I retired in December. I got really excited about the idea of getting both my annuity and my salary for five months. It would be like working two years at part-time. It sounded like a good plan. The human resources office had told me I would be able to come back right away, since I wouldn't be retiring from the Teacher Retirement. First I would need to check with the state retirement system to see how, if at all, it would affect my monthly annuity.

But, when I called the state office the next morning, my dreams were shattered. Apparently I would have to wait thirty days before going back to work, even though it was two different retirement systems. I'm not sure I could convince my Principal to do it if I had to be out a month. So, I'm back to June. I guess it was a nice dream while it lasted.

Anything for a day off!

I don't have to work tomorrow! Do you know how exciting that is? Especially since it is a school day. I don't have to go in because I am having a little "procedure" done. You know, the one that requires I not eat ALL DAY today. That's the bad part. And now I am drinking liquids like they are going out of style. However, it is scheduled for very early in the morning, so as soon as I am out of there we are going to Mimi's Cafe. Then I don't have to work the rest of the day!

There seems to be no limit to what I will do to get out of work. Next month I'm getting a gum graft--now that one won't be so pleasant. I guess I better get retired before I have them yanking out vital organs just so I can get a day off.

Close call

Whew! I thought I'd deleted this whole thing. I could see my whole retirement slipping away. Panic! Gasp! As soon as I can I'm going to save all my posts. I don't want a scare like that again.

It seems like I keep getting my information wires crossed at work lately. This has me worried for a number of reasons, but mostly because it makes me wonder if the information I think I have learned about retirement pay, etc. is correct. Especially since everyone seems skeptical when I tell them what I have found out about it. Of course I intend to double check all this with the school district and the state before I actually retire, but still it makes one a little nervous.

Ecstasy in the HEB

I spent my lunch hour today, as I do far too many lunch hours, running errands. One of my stops was the HEB to pick up a salad to take back to school to eat. All of a sudden I heard someone calling my name excitedly. It was the library assistant at one of the other schools--one that has year-round school. She was ecstatic because she was off for a week! She was very much enjoying herself. She didn't have to rush through the store like I did. She could get into the zen of the whole HEB experience, and I am sure everything else she did today. It was like getting a picture of just how joyful my life will be when I no longer have to go to a job forty hours a week!

Enlighten me--please!

I went to a Buddhist meditation this morning. She talked about emptying our minds so we can understand our interdependence with others. In this way we can become more accepting of others and ourselves and not be so distracted when they piss us off. Well, I guess what she was really saying was that if we can really achieve this emptiness, we won't really get upset and pissed off anymore. And I was thinking, I was getting this information a week too late. I could have really used it last week at work when I had to spend three days on my feet administering a test, while there were others who didn’t have to do any of it! If I'd only known how to empty all those thoughts about how physically exhausted I was, how much pain my lower body was experiencing, how my work was not getting done, how I was probably going to catch the H1N1 from one those sickly kids, or how badly I needed to go to the bathroom--if all those things hadn't been racing around in my mind, I probably could have really enjoyed that experience. Yea, and monkeys could have flown . . .

I think this emptying skill is going to take a great deal of practice on my part!

Too tired to tango

I really was going to write something everyday--but that was before school started again. This week I have been on my feet almost the entire day for the past three days watching kids take their state exams for the second time. I am too exhausted to think. I wish I had a quiet weekend ahead, but instead it is pretty full. It's all stuff I want to do, but I'm just sure I would be able to enjoy everything more if I weren't so tired. Maybe the meditation planned for Sunday morning will bring it all into perspective for me. For now, I'll just go to sleep.

Blocks, fears or excuses? That is the question. . .

In case you were wondering, writing is not easy. At times it is even painful. So, why continue? It's not like I'm getting paid to do this. I could retire from it at any time. I guess I think, or at least I hope, I am learning something. What I fear is that so far I have not learned much beyond that writing is difficult and can be painful. I hope, however, that if I can just keep it up long enough, I will have a writing epiphany. Wow, I long for that epiphany like Jack Kerouac longed for the road. (That one's for the book club.) And while I want to retire from work, I don't want to retire from learning. Quite the opposite--I want to retire from work so I can learn about the other things that interest me. So, as long as I think there is still a possibility of greater insight into either retirement or writing, I'll keep reaching for them.

And this isn't what I had planned to write about tonight!

Numbers anyone?

I had fun playing with spreadsheets and numbers today. I can get immersed in spreadsheets, budgets, statistics, and graphs. Maybe I should have been an accountant. What's wrong with me anyway?

WOW! Here it is half-way through October, and I've only posted four times this month! Am I lazy, tired, bored or too busy? I suspect it's a little of all. I know it is not that I've been thinking less about retirement. I'm sure I am boring everyone I know with it. Some days I feel like I radiate it--like I'm a retirement transmitter. It's kind of an odd feeling--knowing those retirement waves are going out there, permeating the universe. I just hope they aren't doing any damage. I really have no control over them, or me it seems. . .

Head in sand

I had lunch with some dear friends from my former place of employment today. It was great to see them, and we ate at one of the old haunts, which made it extra special. In some ways I feel like we've grown up together, but I guess it's more like we've grown old together. The conversation, as it always does, turned to retirement. I love being able to talk to them and hear their plans, how they are preparing. I know I'm not nearly as prepared as they are, but I can't let that stop me. They both have a financial adviser. I decided years ago that I would never be able to do what that guy thought I should to be prepared, so I never went back--solved that problem. But, I am glad they are following his advice--maybe they'll take me in for a little while if I can't make it!

Monday mourning

I don't have to work tomorrow! Wow--that feels so good. It hasn't been a bad year, and I have always tried to subscribe to a friend of mine's theory that once you reach Halloween, the school year is almost over because you slide on into Thanksgiving and the winter holidays, and before you know it summer is here! It really feels that way too. It's just that it is such a whirlwind that you're almost always tired. I just want to be able to sleep late, or at least not have to worry about it if I have trouble getting to sleep.

So, I will enjoy this weekend and try not to think about how Monday morning is going to be here all too soon.

Lucky me

I have to write this very quickly, otherwise i will fall asleep. I just wanted to report on my winnings today! No, I didn't turn in my new scratch-off and try again. But, I did get a telephone call from Borders this morning informing me that I was one of three educator winners of a gift bag. I hustled on down to Borders so I could pick out the best one. They were all really nice. The bag is lovely, and it was filled with some very useful thngs. Some were good for the library, and others I gave to my assistant, one of my favorite English teachers, and a couple I kept for myself. So, I am a winner! Things are looking up for a comfortable retirement! Scratch-off here I come . . .

A winner

The other night I dreamed that I won $10,000,000 on a scratch-off lottery ticket. Of course, I always interpret things like that as omens. So today I bought a scratch-off. I don't think they have one for $10,000,000, so I just asked the guy for the dollar scratch-off with the highest payout. It turned out to be $500 a week for twenty years. Now that would be a nice supplement to my retirement pay.

The back of the ticket informed me that I had a 1 in 6 million chance of winning that $500 a week. I know that may not sound like very good odds, but I'm one in over 6,789,000,000 people in the world, so it seemed to me my odds of winning on this scratch-off are better than that. I was psyched. Once I got the ticket, I had to decide whether I should scratch it off right then, or wait until I got home. How was I to know if that decision would affect the karma of whether I won or lost. Since I had to meet someone at home, I decided to wait. When I got home, I had to walk Elvis. Again, the scratching was postponed. Finally, after Elvis and I got home and he had some fresh water and hugs, it was time for the scratch-off!

And now you are wondering if I won. And yes, I did. I won enough to buy another scratch-off tomorrow. The way I see it, my odds are even better now!

Is this real or Memorex?

I don't know how this could have happened, but last night at our Monday night dinner, the conversation turned to my retirement! "Crazy C" had joined us for dinner. She and I have been tossing around the idea of job sharing next year. Mr. Edd, formerly known as He Who Shall Not be Named, said he was sure I would be just as busy in retirement. But, I worry about that. I have this fear that the fatigue I sometimes experience (okay my increasingly natural tendency to be lazy) will keep me from learning and doing all of the things I have been anticipating for all of these years. What if all I do is watch movies?

Retirement from government

I gathered some good information today about work after retirement, and I couldn't wait to write about it. But, now I can't because I am too pissed off at Congress and how they are screwing us all with this health care bill. The Democrats can go to hell with the Republicans. Right now I'm not sure I will ever vote again. There is no excuse for this except they are all a bunch of immoral idiots in the pockets of the insurance companies and Wall Street. I hereby declare my retirement from government.

Tiring week and it's only Tuesday!

I am so tired! The journal is going to suffer this week--sorry Annie. I started the week tired, and it's only building. I've been enjoying what I have been doing at work, but I really wanted to have my psyche somewhere else today, and I had to push it aside. I watched a movie last night, not a great movie, but it was set in New Orleans and the characters and story captured me. And then I had a dream, involving a friend, that I am sure grew out of the movie somehow and was intertwined with it. If only I had been able to stay in bed another hour or so to process that dream! Now, if I tried to go back to it, I know it would not be the same real dream world I was in, but a fictionalized account, and that would feel so wrong.

I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense to you. I’m not sure it makes any sense to me. I just know I feel this loss because of it. Maybe I just need to get some sleep. . .

Feng shui my brain

The weekend is over. I have to go back to work tomorrow, and I did not get any cleaning done! I hate that. It makes going back on Mondays worse. I was gone all day yesterday attending a conference in Dallas, so today I had to recover from the long day and ride. Now I have to face the week knowing that I am not likely to have any energy to do any cleaning when I get home from work, which means that I get to live in a dirty house all week. Now, I realize that my house is not horribly dirty, but I would like it more if it were cleaner. It really needs serious feng shuing. If it had that, I am sure the house would practically clean itself. The reality is that I will not have time to give it the thorough clutter cleansing it requires until I am retired--mostly because it is going to take me weeks, if not months, to get it done since I have a short attention span for such things. In the meantime I will hope that nobody comes over.

What a relief it can be

During my first year of graduate school I realized that I had become psychologically addicted to the total sense of relief I felt at the end of each semester. It is similar to the feeling of leaving a job--it's over and there is no point in worrying about whether you could have done better, done more. What makes school unique is that you know the relief fix is going to come at regular intervals, though it sometimes feels as if it is taking its time.

Why am I talking about this? Because I am pretty sure that I am going to experience a huge, I mean HUGE, relief for sometime after I retire. But, what happens after that? Will I miss that relief? Or will I find retirement so blissful that it will seem rather humorous (since I will be in such a state of bliss that EVERYTHING will seem humorous) that I ever found that relief so appealing? Will it be like the difference between Palo Duro Canyon and the Grand Canyon?

Monday Monday

Today was one of those Mondays! Too much craziness, too much work, and I was way too tired. I guess I am just too old to stay out until three in the morning on Saturday and expect to be completely awake on Monday. I still managed to get some things accomplished that really needed to be done. It felt good.

But, then there was an "impromptu faculty meeting." I hate politics. And I hate that it seems like public school educators are always being attacked. My school has made amazing advances in the past few years, but it doesn't get recognition for the progress, only the problems. It gets very frustrating. I know my blood pressure is going to correct itself after I retire.

Getting Younger

Yesterday I was talking to a friend and she told me about some other friends of hers that had been retired for several years. She said it was amazing how much younger they looked after several years of retirement. And I just got an email from a nephew who was layed off several months ago. He said that losing the stress from working "is nearly priceless." How can I ignore that?

No Sub for Retirement

Last night my stomach was an absolute mess, and this morning I woke up with swollen, painful glands. So, as I was making endless, fruitless calls early this morning in an attempt to find a substitute, I realized that not having to do this anymore will be yet another advantage of retirement. I won't ever have to call in a sub. I hate going down that list, calling people I don't know, often waking them up, only to be told they can't do it. When I no longer have to do that I'll be able to enjoy being ill because I won't have to feel guilty about inconveniencing anyone else!

Of course even though I felt bad about not being able to go to work today, I still took advantage of being home. I re-read Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen. It's an enchanting book with wonderful characters. One of my favorite characters is Lester Hopkins because as a young boy, watching his grandfather "living the life of Reilly" he decided "he wanted to grow up and be retired." A kindred soul.

Limbo

Remember how I said that I have been thinking about retiring ever since my first day of full-time work? Well, now that I am pretty sure I will retire at the end of this school year, I seem to be obsessed with thinking about it. Maybe I'm thinking about it more because I am writing this blog. Or maybe I am writing this blog in order to deal with the fact that I am thinking about it so much more. I don't know. I feel sort of like I'm in a retirement limbo. A place where you go until you can get it all figured out. And you don't get released into real world of retirement until you've solved all the pieces of the retirement puzzle.

Fixed Income

The last few years one of my favorite passtimes has been estimating the soonest my "fixed income" will be high enough to get me through the rest of my life. I didn't quite understand this concept of fixed income before--or just how scary it is. It's really all a guestimate. I can only imagine what life is going to be like in twenty years. How in the world am I supposed to be able to figure out how much money I will need to live in it? But, today anyway, I'm thinking that since it is an unknown, at some point you just have to trust that you'll work things out as you need to.

Warning: This Job May be Hazardous to Your Health

OK, so I went to work today and was told that another faculty member (I believe he is the same age as me) had suffered a near heart attack the night before and was in the hospital. On top of that, our registrar had fallen this morning and broke her hip! I realize that these are just freaky coincidences, but I have started to think that maybe I should consider retiring in December!

I went to work yesterday to learn that two of the men teachers, both probably a few years older than me, had suffered medical emergencies over the weekend. One had a heart attack, but is expected to be back at work in two weeks. The other teacher had a stroke and is still in a drug-induced coma. This news helped to cement my belief that retiring after this year would probably be wise.

I hope my fellow teachers recover completely. And I hope they will think about retiring as well.

Exercise this

I really like to exercise. It makes me feel more energetic, more alive. I get so much more done when I exercise regularly. That's why I am really looking forward to retirement--so I can get more regular exercise, be more alive, do more. However, it is really difficult for me, no; make that impossible for me to get a regular exercise schedule going while I am working. Where do I find the time? I don't have it before I go off to work, instead I use the time I do have to do yoga at home. After work I have to get home to Elvis, because he's been standing around with his legs crossed for hours (or worse still, he has hoisted it in his crate). When we get back from his walk, it's time to start dinner. Going after dinner is out because I want to spend some time with Elvis and he-who-shall-not-be-named, and after that it would be way too late to get pumped up from exercise. I already have enough trouble getting to sleep; besides there are so many other things that need to be done before I can crawl into bed. It's a catch twenty-two situation--I'm too tired and don't have enough time to go get the exercise that would give me more energy to get things done.

I suppose, existentially speaking, I am not being truthful to myself, and that I must not really want to exercise, or I would. But, it's been a long time since I read any of the existentialists, and I've forgotten most of it anyway. With all due respect, Nietzsche didn't live in the twenty-first century, so what does he know about the truth of living today?

Going to the movies

Another thing I have been looking forward to in retirement is being able to go to movies during the day. There's something special about going to the movies when everyone else is at work. One time when I called in well and went to a movie, I was the only person in the theater! That was so cool. I've even thought that I'd get a job selling tickets at the theater up the street so I could see all of the movies for free.

I haven't been to as many movies in the past few years. It seems like when I was younger I would go to almost every movie when it came out. I don't know if it's just that I've been too busy, too poor, or just not as interested, but I don't go to the movies nearly as much as I used to. I do, however, make a point of seeing all of the major academy award nominated films so I can be prepared for my annual academy awards party.

But, I did take myself to a movie today, and it felt great. So, I'm thinking that, while I may not go to the movies as much when I retire as I used to think I would, I'll go when I need to, when I want to.

Freedom to be me

The other night I dreamed about my retirement party. I'm not sure I really want a retirement party when the time arrives, though I am sure I will celebrate in some way. The thing I like about dreams, however, is that they are often like my wildest imagination on steroids. This one sure was. Actually, it wasn't so much a retirement "party" as a "retirement academy awards," or maybe a "retirement pageant." I was standing at the top of these pyramid steps leading up to the entrance of a building that looked like some sort of art gallery. There was a group playing music (perhaps Raul Malo), and a celebrity host (George Clooney?) announcing people as they arrived, and presenting my retirement award. I had on a beautiful gown, and looked at least twenty years younger with my hair done up, smiling radiantly. I waved at friends, family, and former colleagues as they arrived, and ran down to greet them and escort them up to the party. Everyone was so dazzled by it all, and so happy to see me so happy. It was the most fantastic feeling of complete freedom to be me! I fought waking up that morning and going to work.

Don't touch my Red Bull

A colleague/friend came into the library today to vent about the fact that, once again, someone had removed some common-use materials from the teacher workroom, making them unavailable to her when she needed them. To add to her frustration was the fact that whoever took the items, did not bother to leave a note saying where they had taken them, or when (or if) they would bring them back! This is rude, inconsiderate and selfish. Someone once took one of my Red Bulls out of the refrigerator, leaving me without one. I NEEDED that Red Bull! In those days I would turn into a bear in the afternoons if I didn't have one. It was a mean and dangerous thing taking it. So, I was glad when my friend came to vent. She needed to get some of that anger out. Besides, it was only fair since I had been in her classroom the day before ranting about my own work related frustrations.

Of course I don't expect to always agree with what goes on at work, nor even to like it. But, there comes a time when you know that you just don't want to deal with it any longer; when it is time to move on.

Loudon Wainwright III and the Cohen brothers

Well, last night's margarita was very rough on me, which was a total surprise. I have never had a bad reaction to tequila. Now I am worried that the margarita Mondays may have to turn into beer nights, which will be very sad because, while I like beer, there has never been anything like the feeling I get from tequila. It's magic.

With an excruciating headache and chills, I found it impossible to get to sleep. This would not have been a big problem if I had not needed to go to work today. However, my assistant had a funeral to attend this morning, so calling in sick was not an option. The morning wasn't bad, but around 1:00 o'clock in the afternoon I crashed, and then nothing was good. I had to go to a meeting, and it was cold, and I was irritated by stuff we were discussing, and then I had to come home and fix dinner . . . all while being totally exhausted. I know that none of the things that were driving me so crazy this afternoon would have been such big deals if I had only been able to sleep in this morning. When I am retired, I'll be able to do that when needed.

Now you are asking yourself what does this have to do with Loudon Wainwright or the Cohen brothers? Well, after dinner The Big Lebowski was on TV and it is probably the funniest movie ever made. So, laughing at it put me in a great mood and reminded me of the truth of Loudon Wainwright's song, "Movies Are a Mother to Me." I may be watching a lot of movies this year!

Margarita Monday

It is tradition for this guy that I live with (he wants to remain anonymous) and I to go out for Mexican food and margaritas on Monday nights. I like this tradition a lot. Mondays always seem like the most difficult day at work, and I am too exhausted to even think about fixing something for dinner, much less cook it, when I get home. Being able to look forward to going out to dinner helps me make it through the day. I think, however, if I didn't have to go to work the next day, my margarita would be much more enjoyable. So, I have another reason for looking forward to retirement. But, what if he-who-shall-not-be-named expects me to start cooking dinner on Mondays when I am no longer working all day? Nah, that won't happen. He likes the tradition as much as I do. Besides, I won't let it happen.

Wildest imagination

One of the movie lines I relate to most is from the 1966 film Morgan! when David Warner said, "nothing in this world lives up to my wildest imagination." So I'm sitting here thinking that I am planning to work through the end of this school year and then retire--something I have been imagining most of my adult life. Now that is a tad scary. I imagine that it will be wonderful; that I will have so much more energy; that I will be able to be more creative; that it will be one. adventure after another. It is especially scary because, not only have I imagined it, I talked about it often and now I am even baring my soul about it. So, what if it isn't as wonderful as I imagine it will be? It does appear that the odds are against that. But, since there isn't anyway for me to know for sure until I do it, I guess I'll just have to go for it!

Uncovered talents

When I was young I often thought about how grand it would be if I could live about three or four hundred years--retaining my physical and mental capacities of course, because there are so many things that I am interested in learning about and doing. (I used to actually have this mental picture of me as a goddess, happily pursuing my hobbies up in the clouds, and being very good at everything.) But, since I am not a goddess, how do I focus on one or two things when there are so many different things I would like to do? Without any innate talents to lead me in any particular direction, and knowing that it will take a lot of time and effort to become really good at anything because I lack innate talents, I have been bouncing around all my life. And it seems like when I start to focus on something, I get this little voice telling me that by spending too much time on this one thing, I'm depriving myself of all those other things I could be doing, and that I might even like better. My hope is that when I am retired I will feel I have enough time to get good really good at something, and still have time to move onto something else. Maybe that will enable me decide what to pursue and stick with it long enough.

No more clocks!

I am so tired of having to wake up to a clock! I want to sleep until my body or my dog wakes me up. I want to be able to take my dog for a leisurely walk, come home, savor my breakfast, drink my tea, and immerse myself in my newspaper. I want to have time to read all of the editorials, even though there are some I will never read because they are too right-wing for me to stomach. It's such a heavenly dream! I tell my dog about it every day when I am walking him before leaving for work. I want this so much that it now takes me about three hours to get ready in the mornings.

So, I have to get up very early to make it to work on time. And then I have to stay up late enough to watch Jon Stewart, because without his sanity I would have a much harder time dealing with the world. So, I just don't get enough sleep. I need to retire so I can get some sleep!

Clarifications

I feel I need to clarify a few things for those of you who may not know me so well. First of all, in case you haven't already figured it out, what I write here is total stream of consciousness, which is pretty much how most of my expression is. Of course I revise and edit as I go along, before I hit that little "publish post" button, but, like Garrison Keillor, I'm working from a theme each day, not a script. Secondly, when I said that I have been thinking about retirement since my first day of full-time work, I meant post-graduate school full-time work.

Before going to graduate school I worked several years as a full-time clerk at the library. I wasn't thinking about retirement back then. I was just thinking about all of the things I could be doing, seeing and learning about if I didn't have to work to support myself. That is why I was totally dumbfounded when one of my student assistants, an independently wealthy young lady, said she needed a job so she wouldn't be bored! Even as a child I didn't understand or accept the concept of boredom. I always figured if I was bored, it was because I chose to be. I knew if I didn't like my present environment, and couldn't get out of it, I could always imagine my way out. And I always did. I love my very active imagination!

Over the years I have met many other people who need to work; people who wouldn't know what to do otherwise. That's all right. I understand it now. I'm just not one of them.

My dog

One of the main reasons I have to retire soon is my dog. He is, as any dog parent will tell you of their dog, the cutest in the world. I rescued him about nine years ago at the urging of two of my very dear friends, both of whom are major dog lovers. One of them even claims that she would much rather talk about her dogs than her kids. I tried to explain to my friends that I thought I should wait until I was retired to get a dog. I was pretty sure that I would take the responsibility of dog ownership very seriously, and at the time I had a job that required me to travel overnight at least once a month. My friends both assured me they would take care of it when I traveled, though when I did get my four-pound toy poodle, they both had "reasons" why it would not be a good idea for him to stay with them. They were "big" dog lovers. It did not occur to them that I would get a little dog. Luckily, by the time I actually I got him, I had a housemate who wasn't afraid of little dogs, so it wasn't a problem. And then I got a job that didn't require travel.

But, I also hate, as I knew I would, that I have to leave him all day while I am at work. (I like to think it is because I am concerned about him being lonely, rather than that I am jealous of him not having to go to work while I do!) Plus, we are both getting older, and it makes me sad to think that he won't always be here with me. So, I want to be able to enjoy him as much as possible while I can. While he is definitely not neglected, when I get home from work, I'm too tired, and have too many daily maintenance tasks to give him the attention I would like to, or that he would love to get. I need to retire for him.

Past, present and future

Now, don't get me wrong folks. I haven't been spending my life just living for my future retirement. I have actually always lived maybe a little too much in the present--though not necessarily the reality present. My first sage advise about living in the present came from Naomi Brossart as Jacqueline Kennedy on The First Family album, which came out when I was 12. I'm sure it was the first comedy album I ever heard. My parents bought a copy, and I proceeded to learn to impersonate Jackie Kennedy. I knew all of her lines and intonations, and I swear I sounded like her--that whispy, breathy voice. (As an aside, I moved on to impersonating Mick Jagger.) One of the lines that I learned from that album was something like, "so many people poison each day thinking about tomorrow." That stuck with me. Then when I was in college, back in 1971, I bought Bab Ram Dass' book, Be Here Now and I've pretty much been here ever since. In fact, perhaps if I had been able to live a little bit more for the future, my retirement would be financially enhanced. I didn't realize when I was 12 that these were things Jackie Kennedy would never have to worry about. But, that is how it is, so now I think I am quite ready to live in the present in the future and retire!

Why I want to retire.

OK, I've cleaned up my kitchen enough that I can blog now.

You may be asking yourself, "why has she always been so danged anxious to retire? Does she not like to work? Has she always had awful jobs? Is she just plain lazy?" While I admit that it does seem a little extreme to begin thinking about retirement from day one of work, I can happily report that it isn't any of the aforementioned reasons.

Actually, I enjoyed all of my jobs. That's not to say that they haven't pissed me off at times, made me crazy and grouchy at times, worn me out, stressed me out, and generally made my life miserable at times. But, I always knew when it was time to move on, for whatever reason. Sometimes I just needed a new adventure.

I can happily say that I have found all my jobs to be stimulating, challenging, and rewarding. And, I have been very lucky to have worked with some very great people. Sure, in every job there was a person or two about whom I fantasized holding their heads under a babbling brook. Of course, I would never really do such a thing, but the fantasy helped me deal. My current job is no exception. I love it, but . . .

I have always had so many interests, and things I want to learn about. Full-time work just gets in the way of my ability to explore my interests. As I get older and my body slows done, it gets more in the way. I tell folks that I get half as much done in twice the time as when I was younger--even ten years ago. So, retirement is becoming more crucial everyday.

I think I can trace it back to my first part-time student job in my undergraduate days (I made $1.25 and hour.) I had a wonderful supervisor. A sweet, older man in his 60's. Every summer he and his wife would travel to the Grand Canyon to work at the store, so they could enjoy the Canyon inexpensively. He often talked about how he couldn't wait until he was retired so they could go out there full-time. I don't remember for sure, but I think he retired when he was 65. The next year he died of cancer. A similar fate has been a fear I've carried with me, and every year I continue to work, is a gamble.

Why I'm doing this blog.

Why am I writing this blog? I have literally been thinking about my retirement since my first day of full-time work, way back when. And not just once in a while, but every single day. My friends and family can attest to this. They have often heard me say of my weaving, writing, or myriad of other interests, "I'll be able to do that again when I retire." So, now I am facing what I hope is my last year of work. (I had been planning to retire this past June, and then the economy slammed into the dumpster.) I recognize, however, that my fate is, unfortunately, in the hands of corporate America and the whimpy Democratic Congress . . .
What do I hope to accomplish with this blog? It's a way for me to keep a journal of my final journey (don't you love alliteration?) to my goal, and maybe entertain my friends and family along the way. I'm sure this year will bring heightened anticipation, fear, questions, insight, and other feelings I can't for see. I was just going to keep a journal in the old-fashioned way, but then I saw the movie Julie & Julia and decide to try doing a blog about it. I'm going to try to write something at least once a day, but life could get in the way, and I do have a short attention span . . .