Margarita Monday

It is tradition for this guy that I live with (he wants to remain anonymous) and I to go out for Mexican food and margaritas on Monday nights. I like this tradition a lot. Mondays always seem like the most difficult day at work, and I am too exhausted to even think about fixing something for dinner, much less cook it, when I get home. Being able to look forward to going out to dinner helps me make it through the day. I think, however, if I didn't have to go to work the next day, my margarita would be much more enjoyable. So, I have another reason for looking forward to retirement. But, what if he-who-shall-not-be-named expects me to start cooking dinner on Mondays when I am no longer working all day? Nah, that won't happen. He likes the tradition as much as I do. Besides, I won't let it happen.

Wildest imagination

One of the movie lines I relate to most is from the 1966 film Morgan! when David Warner said, "nothing in this world lives up to my wildest imagination." So I'm sitting here thinking that I am planning to work through the end of this school year and then retire--something I have been imagining most of my adult life. Now that is a tad scary. I imagine that it will be wonderful; that I will have so much more energy; that I will be able to be more creative; that it will be one. adventure after another. It is especially scary because, not only have I imagined it, I talked about it often and now I am even baring my soul about it. So, what if it isn't as wonderful as I imagine it will be? It does appear that the odds are against that. But, since there isn't anyway for me to know for sure until I do it, I guess I'll just have to go for it!

Uncovered talents

When I was young I often thought about how grand it would be if I could live about three or four hundred years--retaining my physical and mental capacities of course, because there are so many things that I am interested in learning about and doing. (I used to actually have this mental picture of me as a goddess, happily pursuing my hobbies up in the clouds, and being very good at everything.) But, since I am not a goddess, how do I focus on one or two things when there are so many different things I would like to do? Without any innate talents to lead me in any particular direction, and knowing that it will take a lot of time and effort to become really good at anything because I lack innate talents, I have been bouncing around all my life. And it seems like when I start to focus on something, I get this little voice telling me that by spending too much time on this one thing, I'm depriving myself of all those other things I could be doing, and that I might even like better. My hope is that when I am retired I will feel I have enough time to get good really good at something, and still have time to move onto something else. Maybe that will enable me decide what to pursue and stick with it long enough.

No more clocks!

I am so tired of having to wake up to a clock! I want to sleep until my body or my dog wakes me up. I want to be able to take my dog for a leisurely walk, come home, savor my breakfast, drink my tea, and immerse myself in my newspaper. I want to have time to read all of the editorials, even though there are some I will never read because they are too right-wing for me to stomach. It's such a heavenly dream! I tell my dog about it every day when I am walking him before leaving for work. I want this so much that it now takes me about three hours to get ready in the mornings.

So, I have to get up very early to make it to work on time. And then I have to stay up late enough to watch Jon Stewart, because without his sanity I would have a much harder time dealing with the world. So, I just don't get enough sleep. I need to retire so I can get some sleep!

Clarifications

I feel I need to clarify a few things for those of you who may not know me so well. First of all, in case you haven't already figured it out, what I write here is total stream of consciousness, which is pretty much how most of my expression is. Of course I revise and edit as I go along, before I hit that little "publish post" button, but, like Garrison Keillor, I'm working from a theme each day, not a script. Secondly, when I said that I have been thinking about retirement since my first day of full-time work, I meant post-graduate school full-time work.

Before going to graduate school I worked several years as a full-time clerk at the library. I wasn't thinking about retirement back then. I was just thinking about all of the things I could be doing, seeing and learning about if I didn't have to work to support myself. That is why I was totally dumbfounded when one of my student assistants, an independently wealthy young lady, said she needed a job so she wouldn't be bored! Even as a child I didn't understand or accept the concept of boredom. I always figured if I was bored, it was because I chose to be. I knew if I didn't like my present environment, and couldn't get out of it, I could always imagine my way out. And I always did. I love my very active imagination!

Over the years I have met many other people who need to work; people who wouldn't know what to do otherwise. That's all right. I understand it now. I'm just not one of them.

My dog

One of the main reasons I have to retire soon is my dog. He is, as any dog parent will tell you of their dog, the cutest in the world. I rescued him about nine years ago at the urging of two of my very dear friends, both of whom are major dog lovers. One of them even claims that she would much rather talk about her dogs than her kids. I tried to explain to my friends that I thought I should wait until I was retired to get a dog. I was pretty sure that I would take the responsibility of dog ownership very seriously, and at the time I had a job that required me to travel overnight at least once a month. My friends both assured me they would take care of it when I traveled, though when I did get my four-pound toy poodle, they both had "reasons" why it would not be a good idea for him to stay with them. They were "big" dog lovers. It did not occur to them that I would get a little dog. Luckily, by the time I actually I got him, I had a housemate who wasn't afraid of little dogs, so it wasn't a problem. And then I got a job that didn't require travel.

But, I also hate, as I knew I would, that I have to leave him all day while I am at work. (I like to think it is because I am concerned about him being lonely, rather than that I am jealous of him not having to go to work while I do!) Plus, we are both getting older, and it makes me sad to think that he won't always be here with me. So, I want to be able to enjoy him as much as possible while I can. While he is definitely not neglected, when I get home from work, I'm too tired, and have too many daily maintenance tasks to give him the attention I would like to, or that he would love to get. I need to retire for him.

Past, present and future

Now, don't get me wrong folks. I haven't been spending my life just living for my future retirement. I have actually always lived maybe a little too much in the present--though not necessarily the reality present. My first sage advise about living in the present came from Naomi Brossart as Jacqueline Kennedy on The First Family album, which came out when I was 12. I'm sure it was the first comedy album I ever heard. My parents bought a copy, and I proceeded to learn to impersonate Jackie Kennedy. I knew all of her lines and intonations, and I swear I sounded like her--that whispy, breathy voice. (As an aside, I moved on to impersonating Mick Jagger.) One of the lines that I learned from that album was something like, "so many people poison each day thinking about tomorrow." That stuck with me. Then when I was in college, back in 1971, I bought Bab Ram Dass' book, Be Here Now and I've pretty much been here ever since. In fact, perhaps if I had been able to live a little bit more for the future, my retirement would be financially enhanced. I didn't realize when I was 12 that these were things Jackie Kennedy would never have to worry about. But, that is how it is, so now I think I am quite ready to live in the present in the future and retire!

Why I want to retire.

OK, I've cleaned up my kitchen enough that I can blog now.

You may be asking yourself, "why has she always been so danged anxious to retire? Does she not like to work? Has she always had awful jobs? Is she just plain lazy?" While I admit that it does seem a little extreme to begin thinking about retirement from day one of work, I can happily report that it isn't any of the aforementioned reasons.

Actually, I enjoyed all of my jobs. That's not to say that they haven't pissed me off at times, made me crazy and grouchy at times, worn me out, stressed me out, and generally made my life miserable at times. But, I always knew when it was time to move on, for whatever reason. Sometimes I just needed a new adventure.

I can happily say that I have found all my jobs to be stimulating, challenging, and rewarding. And, I have been very lucky to have worked with some very great people. Sure, in every job there was a person or two about whom I fantasized holding their heads under a babbling brook. Of course, I would never really do such a thing, but the fantasy helped me deal. My current job is no exception. I love it, but . . .

I have always had so many interests, and things I want to learn about. Full-time work just gets in the way of my ability to explore my interests. As I get older and my body slows done, it gets more in the way. I tell folks that I get half as much done in twice the time as when I was younger--even ten years ago. So, retirement is becoming more crucial everyday.

I think I can trace it back to my first part-time student job in my undergraduate days (I made $1.25 and hour.) I had a wonderful supervisor. A sweet, older man in his 60's. Every summer he and his wife would travel to the Grand Canyon to work at the store, so they could enjoy the Canyon inexpensively. He often talked about how he couldn't wait until he was retired so they could go out there full-time. I don't remember for sure, but I think he retired when he was 65. The next year he died of cancer. A similar fate has been a fear I've carried with me, and every year I continue to work, is a gamble.

Why I'm doing this blog.

Why am I writing this blog? I have literally been thinking about my retirement since my first day of full-time work, way back when. And not just once in a while, but every single day. My friends and family can attest to this. They have often heard me say of my weaving, writing, or myriad of other interests, "I'll be able to do that again when I retire." So, now I am facing what I hope is my last year of work. (I had been planning to retire this past June, and then the economy slammed into the dumpster.) I recognize, however, that my fate is, unfortunately, in the hands of corporate America and the whimpy Democratic Congress . . .
What do I hope to accomplish with this blog? It's a way for me to keep a journal of my final journey (don't you love alliteration?) to my goal, and maybe entertain my friends and family along the way. I'm sure this year will bring heightened anticipation, fear, questions, insight, and other feelings I can't for see. I was just going to keep a journal in the old-fashioned way, but then I saw the movie Julie & Julia and decide to try doing a blog about it. I'm going to try to write something at least once a day, but life could get in the way, and I do have a short attention span . . .